Have you ever wondered how laws should be participation in the life of the spouses and parenting grandchildren? When and if they ask for advice, and when I consider their suggestions for interfering? Is the burden of each take away from home, are not insurmountable, and that if we stop to listen to their parents, they betray?
If so – is necessary to Reach the guide “How to live with in-laws?”. The authors also wonder how much truth is in jokes about teściowych. And whether in-law relationships are harder than laws.
After this intricate, but as it turns out we showed round exciting topic Beata Legutko, editor, wife and mother, and Dr. Gregory Iniewicz, psychotherapist, psychologist, lecturer at the Institute Psychology Jagiellonian University and the employee Clinical Department of Psychiatry Clinic of Children, Youth and Adults at the University Hospital in Krakow. Funny conversation interspersed drawings Barbara Sobczyńska.
Read the interview with Matthias Mushroom author of the book “How to live with in-laws,” Dr. Gregory Iniewiczem
Maciej Mushroom: Is it your experience that led to write a book about how to deal with in-laws, the mother in law?
Dr Gregory Iniewicz, co-author of the book “How to live with in-laws?”: The proposal came of publishing, I did not have to deal with his mother in law, because we have a very nice relationship. But from what I know from clinical, therapeutic practice, however, tend to be issues with in-laws. The book is addressed to those who have problems or even do not have them, who want to better understand the relationship with their in-laws, but also for the laws that can better understand the relationship with their children – the real, their children, biological, and these children, that come to the family.
How to define a mother in law? That is, at some point of our lives stranger, then theoretically becomes very close?
This is interesting, because in principle at a time when two people unite to form a relationship that we often forget that actually connect to it in some way the whole family. This is done in different ways. There is no one model and sometimes creates a truly one big family that spends holidays, vacation time. Sometimes these relationships are more formal. This is a very individual thing, but actually the wife-husband is too were once strangers, except that we choose this person more consciously. While the mother-in-law is like a supplement.
Sometimes the most complicated.
Yes, but I also think to myself that this mother in law is often a little so demonized, that is the object of a lot of jokes, jokes different, but on the other hand, so as to talk, it’s often people have a very good relationship with your in-laws. Here, too, it is interesting that we celebrate the day-in-law, but I have not heard that was the test day. As if you do not know what to father in law, whether it is such a Dulskim that sometimes comes out there, somehow trying to say something, something he will tell, but generally somewhere in the background. In contrast, this mother in law is in the foreground. I wonder if it is not a bit like that because of the social, cultural, this is such a demon-in-law, then it is difficult to see that it can also be different. you can have quite a nice relationship with that person.
Lord teściowych favorite joke?
As the son in law out for shopping and ask family members, including his mother-what to buy. What in-law says, “buy se flat”.
You have ways of how to deal with his mother-in-laws?
I think the basic thing is to establish clear rules of the relationship. They may be different, because sometimes mean more closeness, sometimes greater distance. But what is important is that they are bright and clear for both parties. So with respect certain limits. A young married couple should respect the fact that the in-laws have their own opinions, their habits that grandma and grandpa are for our children, but they have their certain – we can say – the rights to this to be the grandmother and the grandfather. On the other hand, that the in-laws also respect the fact that the new family may want to create your family life according to his own master, do not want to duplicate, or not at all. And it is important that such mutual respect borders, so as not to undermine his authority.
It is quite often the case, even in – it would seem – a gentle, innocent way, as my grandmother says, for example, with the mother to the child, saying: “Why do you wear such a hat, as it is so warm.” If you are a single view, it does not matter, but if they are repeated, if the child observes, feels even emotionally, that small children can also feel the kind of emotional tension around this relationship, this kind of critical attitude, it can make a huge difficult for a child to it himself barriers overcome this because it is just such a kind of internal conflict for the child. Here is a mother, grandmother, and there is a child, suddenly unconscious for all parties, getting involved in the conflict between the adult people, and the child is not able to deal with because of such development deal with such situations. I begin with the various emotional problems in the child.
in-laws are overprotective, jealous of his son, sometimes unnecessarily interfere with nieswoich issues?
It happens but at the moment I think there is some important change that is to say that the older generation is no longer willing to sit this in a rocking chair and do something to knit for the grandchildren. In the case of a grandmother or grandfather for his grandson to learn I do not know how to play chess like only have their own classes, some circles own interests, their own activity therefore appears quite recently an interesting thing namely, that young couples are just as if disappointed that does not have this grandmother and grandfather, that does not have these laws in their lives. Expect that we are going to work and automatically organize grandfather grandmother care for our children. And here it turns out that it does not. That grandma has some circle of interests, grandfather comes to the course computer and that they have their life. But this, of course, is very different because it happens, of course, so that parents do not approve of their child, the fact that it leaves it involves his own family, it is believed that the child will not cope or that this or partner are not relevant persons. It’s starting to wind up the spiral interference.
There are many couples who avoid contact with the in-laws?
I do not know the statistics on this, but there are some situations it is very clearly defined that this limit is very clear so that it gets to the cut-off, which I think is not good for the functioning of the family, for the functioning of children. So I think adults should, however, take some responsibility to these relationships as a lay. It’s not about that, I do not bump into each other’s arms, and all the holidays to spend time, just until they are at least somehow correct, even for children, for example.
How do you should look like a real model of contact, relationship marriage with in-laws?
I think it should be based on mutual respect. Respect to a certain autonomy, willingness to help, but the standby time when I asked for the help. So as I know better what to whom is better, because it is the kind of incapacitation, in principle, a little when I start to like someone to help force, against that person because I think that it is better for someone to bear this kind of favor is . Then weakens this person, show that “to anything you no good, you can not handle.”
As a mother her daughter sparing in being a mother, for example, it’s like giving her message: “No, but you can not handle as a mother, you’re not so valuable and competent person.” On the other hand, if the readiness is very important in various situations. Then help from other family members is important, but it is also important to see who you really need, not to help others at their own pattern. I think it is also in psychology: we are well aware that we can help someone, but the best help is in this, what someone needing help. Unfortunately, it often does not work helping the principle of “I’ll help,” only “Leave it, I’ll do it.” And then that person can not continue to do that.
What do you think, it is harder to get close to her in-laws, friends with them?
I think it may be a little risky, however, because it is a different generation, it is as if their parents generation. I think it’s important, however, to keep some kind of such a limit, a certain distance. Although it is increasingly encountered such a model very close to those relationships that these differences between generations, they often become blurred. Formerly used to say: “You mother” – in this way to the mother, the father, the laws themselves drew, in some families is as if preserved, that is said to another, “Mr., Mrs.,” the in-laws, but more often it is so, the laws that say “for you”. I think that what is happening from the language also shows a significant change.
This brings us in-laws?
Maybe, but it can be also apparently approaching. It is like children say their parents sometimes “on you.” This is a question of whether it is a piece of the educational system, whether it is clearly accepted and we know why we do this, or if it is the appearance that it is kind of nice. It’s like with gifts for mother-in: that the greater the gift, it is also more suspect.
In dealing with in-laws is worth to say, we allow, and what you already do not allow when it comes to our marriage?
I think it is very important because as a therapeutic practice, I can say that couples rarely come under the title of that: we have a problem with in-laws, but quite often it turns out that somewhere in the background of her in-laws and out there are in some way involved in the problem. The most common is that somewhere starting to come, exceed this limit, stick to either side, for example, if the conflict is not maintaining such a distance from what is happening, even in-laws out there you are, your parents must also allow the child to leave, they must allow for it is to set up your family child that his life was like that, where there is such confusion between generations like no it is usually then is there any price that you pay for it so I think it should be close, you might want to meet, chat but also as to feel that if they do not get so caught up too much, because it is also a relationship that it is somehow in our society, in our culture somehow defined.
It should keep her in-laws at a distance from our family?
It depends on what kind of in-laws are, because if the effect is somehow destructive for our family, then I think that we have the right to have to take care of his own family, as if protecting it even a little time before the very nosy, wtrącającymi in controlling the parents of one or the other. Although it is not good in the long run because, for example, children also need to grandma and grandpa.
A in-laws do it unknowingly, they do not know, because they are over-zealous and too much love us?
I think that the most either unknowingly or have some of your own explanation while it is difficult for them to accept that it may be a little different in-law may have the feeling that here is a very important mission to accomplish that only she can save the marriage or advise on any conflicts so I can say that of course it happens probably also the case that it is with such a simply extraordinary malice, but I think it happens quite often. Or so I believe that the more I think it’s just like the good intentions that it is not as if this is recognized, and I really like that I help or do it yourself, for example, for me to feel better that someone something I advised that I like this better because I know, because I can, and mostly I mean to emphasize this point, not to actually help someone.
Jokes about teściowych are very malicious, or in-laws so are they?
I think these jokes is rather something positive, because it is a kind of such defuse such I also do quite safe, sometimes these jokes about teściowych advocates at teściowych that they sometimes repeating the same jokes so I think that a voltage discharge, difficulty, a situation of conflict by no humor is a very good thing.
in-law should not be offended as they hear such jokes about yourself?
If the offended one can say that they retain so, as we predicted that behave. And if you start telling the same jokes, the kind of precipitate sons-hand weapon.
(MKam, md)
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